C9 – Day 2

You know – it’s not been too bad. I miss food. I spent the day thinking about Chinese food. And kebabs. Instead I ate  five grapes and a bit of cucumber. At least I haven’t  had that sick headachey feeling this time!
Yesterday I didn’t do the required 30 minutes of exercise. Today I dug out my 30 Day Shred DVD – and I feel great!
Now – confession time – smoking. As in I haven’t stopped. 🙈🙉🙊
I can eat tomorrow!!

Sure2Quit

I have a love-hate relationship with cigarettes.

I started smoking when I was 15 and in 2009 I had hypnotherapy to stop.  You can read about that here, if you want.

I did amazingly well (even if I do say so myself).  I was a non-smoker for two years, one month and four days before I let myself down and started again.  If you want to know how *that* happened, you can read about it here

So for the last twenty months I’ve been a smoker again.  I gradually became less obsessive about whether or not I smelled of smoke.  I stopped brushing my teeth and washing my hands after each cigarette.  I still tried to not let Vinay see me, but sometimes he did.

And I was disappointed in myself.

At the beginning of this year I decided that enough was enough and that I had to stop again.

Making the decision to stop wasn’t difficult.  But the *actual* stopping…?

If I were an alcoholic, I could go to an AA meeting.  Or I could go to a doctor or clinic.  I could check myself into rehab and get all the help I need.  But who could help me to stop smoking?

At the end of February an ex-colleague (and very good friend) told me about a friend of hers who is a hypnotherapist.  And the best part is that he lives in Lagos!

I made contact with Trevor immediately.  He said the program he does is called Sure2Quit and that I’d need three sessions over three weeks.

I wanted to start right away, but he was travelling and then I was going away for Easter, so I just had to wait!

I was nervous about my first session.  I couldn’t understand why it couldn’t be like the hypnotherapy I’d been to before (one two-hour session).  Why did I have to go for three sessions?

Anyway, the first session was all talking.  Trevor wanted to make sure that I wanted to be a non-smoker.  That it was coming from *me* and that I had a goal.  We talked about my smoking history and my triggers.  Then he gave me some times during the day where I was not allowed to smoke (9.30-10.30 am, 11.30 am – 1.30 pm and 4.30 – 6.30 pm).  I didn’t find it that difficult to not smoke during those times.

My second session was a quick re-cap of the previous week.  More discussions about my goal and a bit of hypnosis.  He also increased my non-smoking times. (No smoking before 8.30 am, 9.30-10.30 am, 11.30 am to 1.30 pm and 4.30 – 7.30 pm).  Again, it wasn’t too difficult to not smoke during those times.  I also found myself trying not to smoke during other hours.  I was still smoking, but definitely a lot less!  On the downside, I worked my way through an ENTIRE bag of Smarties.

My third session was last Saturday.  I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.  Or how anything I’d done in the previous two weeks was going to help me be a non-smoker.

My last session was basically all hypnosis.

And I walked out of there a non-smoker!

I realise now that the first two sessions were preparation.  They really helped me understand my dependency and my triggers.  They helped me to keep my goal in my mind at all times.

I think about smoking.  I can imagine myself doing it.  But it’s usually just a fleeting thought.

I feel…

Free.

I’ve Started Again. I’m a Failure.

One of the first posts I wrote was about how I gave up smoking and how proud I was of myself.

And now…?

And now – two years and one month later, I am ashamed to say that I am back where I started.  Smoking.  

I am a failure.  A big fat failure.  

I didn’t want to write about it, because that would mean admitting it to myself – but I decided I had to do it.

It’s been two weeks since I started.  It was the night of V’s birthday party.  It was just us at home and after too much champagne, I wanted a cigarette.  I had three that night.

The next night I had two.

And it has just continued from there.  

At first I told myself I would only smoke at night – after V had gone to bed.  Then I told myself, ‘Well, it might be day time, but he *is* napping.  Isn’t that the same?’

I have been tempted over the last two years, but I have always managed to stop myself.  I’ve never *actually* gone through with it and smoked.

It is still disgusting to me.  More now that the smell clings to me. 

I have never wanted to be the mum who smokes in front of her child (which I haven’t done).  If you are that mum, I’m not judging you – I’m just saying that I don’t want to do it.  I brush my teeth after each cigarette.  I wash my hands with soap and then I use hand sanitiser.  But I know it’s not enough.  I don’t want V to get used to smelling it on me, or to eventually associate the smell with me.

At night I tell myself, ‘Right – that’s it.  No more.  That was my last one.’  And then I’ll add, ‘But I’ll just have one more in the morning.’  I find myself making deals with myself.

I don’t want to be a smoker.  But I don’t know how to stop.

I Used to Smoke. But Now I Don’t.

My dad was a heavy smoker and I grew up surrounded by cigarettes and the smell of smoke.  Up until I was about 13, I tried very hard to convince him that giving up would be best for all of us.  At boarding school I remember doing projects on the hazards of smoking and coming home for the holidays and presenting them to him.

At 15 I came home from school for the Easter holidays.  I wasn’t allowed to go out anywhere during that time (don’t ask – long story, and not mine to tell!).  I was SO SO SO bored!  I remember loitering around downstairs and seeing a packet of cigarettes behind the bar (finding cigarettes in our home was never a problem since my dad smoked).  I decided it was time that I tried my first cigarette.  It was *disgusting*.  I think I almost threw up.  But the next day, I took another one from the packet and rushed up to my bathroom to smoke it.  I did this every day for about 3 weeks.  Sometimes twice a day. 

When I went back to school, of course it wasn’t as easy as that…  I would sometimes go out into the woods with other ‘smokers’.  Or we would smoke out of our dorm windows late at night and hope that we didn’t get caught!  We’d go into town on Saturdays and sit in the pub (even though we were all underage).  We would find any opportunity to have a cigarette without being caught by a member of staff or an older girl.

Once I was at university, it was great!  I could smoke whenever I wanted to!  Sometimes I was smoking up to 10 cigarettes a day.  The Hub and I started seeing each other at this time and he was (is) a smoker too.  I think that influenced me to smoke more.

All this smoking was done behind my parents’ backs.  They probably suspected and/or knew about it – but it is never something I could tell them because in our culture – girls don’t smoke.  The same way they don’t have boyfriends!

Over the years I gave up for a week here or a month there – but always started again.  I never really worried about stopping, because I was sure that when I wanted to, I would just do it.  And it wouldn’t be difficult.

Smoking-cigarettes

After getting married, the Hub and I were quite happy smoking in our home (but only in the TV room) or smoking when we went out and about (still ‘hiding’ it from our parents – ridiculous when we’re in our thirties, I know).  We even didn’t mind people smoking when they came over.  I loved the early morning cigarette and the after dinner cigarette.  And I remember how I rushed home from school, anticipating the cigarette I was about to have (I never smoked during the school day) and relishing every inhalation.

After we were married for two years, we decided we would start a family.  I still didn’t give up smoking.  And I wasn’t getting pregnant.  A year later, I read Alan Carr’s The Easy Way to Stop Smoking (it was my dad’s copy – but he was still smoking).  And I managed to stop smoking for about 6 weeks.  Why I started again, I can’t tell you – but I know it had something to do with the Hub being away on business and me being… Lonely?  Bored?

We had been trying to get pregnant for about 18 months when I heard that my dad had stopped smoking!  I was shocked!  He smoked 50 a day for 50 years!  So in the Summer of 2009 I decided if my dad could do it, then I could do it too – and I was going to do it the way my he did it.

No Nicorette gum or patches or anything like that.  He had hypnotherapy and hasn’t touched a cigarette since.

After our summer holiday (in Miami – it was fabulous), I called the hypnotherapist (Phil Benjamin – he is amazing) my dad saw.  The first thing he asked was, ‘Are you sure it is YOU that wants to quit?’  I assured him it was.  He said that he won’t see people unless he is sure that they are stopping for the right reasons.  I made an appointment to see him later that week.  He told me to have my last cigarette before I arrived at his office and to throw the rest of the pack and lighter away before I rang the bell. 

We spent about an hour and a half talking about why I had started, my smoking habits, how many times I had tried to stop and the things that worried me about stopping.  The things that worried me most about giving up were 1. My husband had made it quite clear that he wasn’t going to stop – and would I be able to be strong enough not to smoke.  2. Over-eating (I already had/have a tendency to do that!).  3. There is no indoor smoking ban in Lagos – and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to go out to a bar or a club and have a few drinks and not smoke.  Those two things have always gone hand-in-hand…  Phil addressed all those issues brilliantly and made me see how strong I actually am.  He also wanted to know why I felt it was time I stopped.  My main reason was, of course, that we were having difficulty getting pregnant and I hoped that stopping would help.

People have asked me what it felt like, did he put me to sleep, swing a pendulum in front of my face and put me to sleep, was I in a trance and did it really work?

After talking through everything, Phil made it very clear that he wasn’t going to put me to sleep and that I would be awake throughout the session.  I was sitting in a comfortable reclining chair and just had to put my head back and relax.  For about thirty minutes he just spoke to me – I can’t even remember exactly what he said.  I think he just reiterated the things we talked about during the consultation.  He pitched his voice differently at various points and I remember thinking, ‘I’m going to start laughing in a minute’ and ‘Is it working?’

No, I didn’t start laughing and yes, it worked!  I haven’t smoked at all since and I’m rather proud of myself! 

I got pregnant four months later and I’m sure that this is one of the reasons why!

I know it worked only because I was sure I wanted to give up.  Someone I know went to see Phil a few months after I did.  His wife had been on at him to stop smoking and he thought that hypnotherapy was the way to go.  He went in there with doubts as to whether it would work, came out thinking it was a load of bollocks and was sure that it only worked for some people because it cost them £300.  He is still a smoker.

Now I find it disgusting when people around me are smoking and it actually makes me feel ill.  I hate the smell in my hair and on my clothes and I don’t like it when people smoke in my home.  And since I got pregnant, the Hub hasn’t been allowed to smoke in the house. 

Having said all that, I still miss it!  I think it is more the habit of smoking than actually smoking that I miss.  And I don’t think that feeling will go away easily.  Earlier this year I really thought I was going to crack and have a cigarette and considered calling Phil to see if he could do a ‘top-up’ kind of session.  In the end I didn’t need to. 

Mind over matter!