Vanished

I’ve mentioned once or twice in previous posts that I had some issues at the beginning of my pregnancy.

I wasn’t ready to share before, but I guess I am now…

I found out we were expecting a couple of days after Christmas day.  Although I was super excited, I was a bit nervous as LagosDad and I were booked to go to Bali from Dubai on January 1st for ten days.  It’s a really, really long flight and I knew we’d be on our feet and very busy while we were there, and everyone always says not to fly long haul in your first trimester, etc.  We talked about it a little bit – Should we go?  Should we not?  But we decided we’d just go for it – everything was already booked and paid for.

We went back to Dubai on the 10th and were meant to leave for Lagos on the 12th night/13th morning.  I was exhausted after the very long flights.  On the 11th I went for a mani and pedi with my mum.  I didn’t want to go because I was so tired – but I knew I wouldn’t get another chance and I desperately needed one.

We were on our way home from the salon when I started feeling… damp.  I was pretty sure I was bleeding. That was confirmed once we got home and it was quite heavy. I was six weeks and six days pregnant at that time.

I was a mess.  And poor V – he wouldn’t leave my side as he was afraid I’d disappear again – didn’t know what was going on.

My sister made a few calls and advised us to go to A&E at Medcare Hospital.  She stepped in and took over V – he was very happy to go to the mall with her (thank God).

I went with my mum and LagosDad.  I didn’t have to wait too long before I was seen.  The doctor was very nice – she calmed me down quite quickly.  She told me it was a threatened miscarriage, but that there were a number of positive signs that indicated that the baby would be ok.  She gave me some medication, an injection and told me to wait and have an ultrasound (The sonographer said baby was fine – but that he could see some bleeding).  She also made an appointment for me to see a specialist towards the end of the following week.

The bleeding subsided over the next few days – but it didn’t stop.

I was nervous about my appointment with the specialist (at the same hospital) – I didn’t know what she was going to say.  I was scared the baby wasn’t ‘there’ any more.  She did a scan, saw what was going on and said the bleeding was due to either a. a hematoma or b. a vanishing twin.  But the heartbeat of the ‘remaining’ fetus was strong.  She also told me that this had absolutely nothing to do with flying, which was a relief.

I was so glad the baby was ok and would be ok.  I had to Google ‘vanishing twin’ on my way home and then I wasn’t sure how I felt.  I didn’t know how to feel.  I cried a bit when I told LagosDad what she’d said (he’d gone back to Lagos already).  I felt loss.  But then I thought it was wrong for me to feel that way when I didn’t even know that there could have been a twin.

She told me to come back the following week and she would know for certain.  She also said the bleeding would stop in the next few days.

I have to admit – that although I knew it wasn’t possible, I kind of hoped that when I went back the next week she’d do a scan and tell me there were still two babies and two strong heartbeats and that she’d made a mistake.  It was futile I know.  A waste of time and energy – but I still hoped.

When I went back a week later, the doctor was able to confirm that the bleeding was definitely due to a vanishing twin.

I think I realised at that time that I should just be grateful.  Very, very grateful that at least the one baby was ok.  It had taken us so long (again) to get pregnant – at least we were getting the baby we wanted.

Does that make sense?

Does it sound selfish?

Mmmm…  I’m not really sure how to end this – so I’ll leave it at that.

 

9 thoughts on “Vanished

  1. You’re right, you are not selfish. You’re happy because one survived. It’s tragic for the other one, but there’s a baby in you that needs a mom. A happy and loving mom. You will never forget the “vanished one”. But you will love his/her twin. Maybe you will have to tell your child one day that he/she could have had a twin… perhaps even he/she will tell you she feels something missing (twin connections are quite astonishing).
    Fear not, just live your life with your family and enjoy every joyful moments and embrace the difficult ones. They will make you stronger and wiser. And yes, you have the right to shed some tears now and then. That’s the proof you have a beautiful heart.

    • Thank you for your very positive words. I sometimes feel silly for feeling sad/bad as I didn’t even know and it all happened so early on.

    • It’s ok. I don’t think I should have felt bad as it all happened so early on. Had it been later, I’d have been devastated. X

  2. Absolutely not selfish. Given that such a traumatic event happened inside your womb, you would have only felt the utmost joy at having a healthy baby survive through that. You must have felt such conflicting emotions.
    I don’t think that it happening so early on would make much difference to how you felt, but having had a surviving twin must have made you sigh with relief xx

    • It is a relief. That’s why everything has been worrying me! More than half way there now – where is the time going? x

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