I’ve Started Again. I’m a Failure.

One of the first posts I wrote was about how I gave up smoking and how proud I was of myself.

And now…?

And now – two years and one month later, I am ashamed to say that I am back where I started.  Smoking.  

I am a failure.  A big fat failure.  

I didn’t want to write about it, because that would mean admitting it to myself – but I decided I had to do it.

It’s been two weeks since I started.  It was the night of V’s birthday party.  It was just us at home and after too much champagne, I wanted a cigarette.  I had three that night.

The next night I had two.

And it has just continued from there.  

At first I told myself I would only smoke at night – after V had gone to bed.  Then I told myself, ‘Well, it might be day time, but he *is* napping.  Isn’t that the same?’

I have been tempted over the last two years, but I have always managed to stop myself.  I’ve never *actually* gone through with it and smoked.

It is still disgusting to me.  More now that the smell clings to me. 

I have never wanted to be the mum who smokes in front of her child (which I haven’t done).  If you are that mum, I’m not judging you – I’m just saying that I don’t want to do it.  I brush my teeth after each cigarette.  I wash my hands with soap and then I use hand sanitiser.  But I know it’s not enough.  I don’t want V to get used to smelling it on me, or to eventually associate the smell with me.

At night I tell myself, ‘Right – that’s it.  No more.  That was my last one.’  And then I’ll add, ‘But I’ll just have one more in the morning.’  I find myself making deals with myself.

I don’t want to be a smoker.  But I don’t know how to stop.

9 thoughts on “I’ve Started Again. I’m a Failure.

  1. i feel your pain. I’ve given up 4 times in the past. The first time was only for a month. The second and third times was for a year and the last time was in June 2009.The first three times I started again when I’d had too much to drink. I kept telling myself it was only a couple at night until I let it creep into the day and more got added until I was on a pack a day again.I haven’t had one since 2009 and thankfully haven’t missed it or wanted one since then but that’s only because I had to stop when I had a serious health scare.I can’t really give any advice that you don’t already know because my reason for stopping was one you had to live through to make it have an impact!I do know that calling yourself a failure will only make you feel worse and smoke more. I’ve been there and it’s not a nice place.If I can help in any way, please feel free to email me.Good luck. I know you want to stop again and I know that having been a non for over 2 years, you’re not a failure. You’ve just taken a few steps back but you did it once and you can do it again.xx

  2. Thank you so much for your comment…And thank you for not stating the health risks involved in smoking – because as you said, I’m well aware of them – but right now, they don’t seem to matter.I need to have will power and determination – I hope I find it somewhere!X

  3. You’re welcome. It used to drive me mad when people would spell out what smoking was doing to me, like I was stupid and hadn’t read all about the health risks.I hope you find the will power and determination soon. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you xx*Wish I’d have read my first comment through and sorted out the mistakes before posting! You obviously know that I meant ‘non smoker’ and not just ‘non’ right? lol

  4. Whenever you want to quit- think how much shorter yourl life will be if you continue- or have conditions where will need treatments and in some cases- miss some of the most cherished moments of your child in the future.

  5. Oh I can relate too 😦 Giving up smoking was the hardest thing I have ever done and I have seen many family and friends take it up again years later. But they also gave it up again and you can too – sorry you feel so disappointed in yourself but there are a lot of people who never get as far as you did giving up for that long – well done!

  6. I was a smoker, and gave up as soon as I found out I was pregnant the first time. I have to say, I did still smoke when I went out after baby number 1, and always felt terribly guilty afterwards. Husband also smoked – outside. So that made it harder in a way, because I’d nip out and have a few drags of his cigarette. In the end, it simply came to a natural end, as I went out less, and my husband finally gave up after having a wisdom tooth out . We can both occasionally be found when we have had a few on a night out having a sneaky fag, but less and less as it makes us both feel sick now! Don’t beat yourself up about it. If you’ve given up before, you can give up again x

  7. I think that’s the problem – my husband is still a smoker (but we don’t smoke inside the house) – which has made it harder now that I’ve started again.I know I can do it again :)Thanks for stopping by and commenting x

  8. […] I did amazingly well (even if I do say so myself).  I was a non-smoker for two years, one month and four days before I let myself down and started again.  If you want to know how *that* happened, you can read about it here… […]

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