I wrote earlier this week about how I didn’t want to leave V and go to London for six days (I Don’t Know If I Can Do It).  My reasons for leaving him are, I have to admit, quite selfish.  I didn’t want to fly with him on my own.  I’ve got to sort out his birthday party stuff while I’m there – and he won’t remember my mum, so he won’t stay with her alone, which means I won’t be able to get on with whatever I have to.  

My parents, it seems (or so they constantly tell me) had no problems leaving me when I was V’s age.  And many times after that.

I thought I’d be a lot stronger – but it turns out I’m not.  I spent a few nights not being able to sleep.  I cried until 5am and cleaned out a couple of cupboards.  It was during one of these sessions that I decided I’d just take him.  How could I leave my baby??  I would, of course, be leaving him in the best of hands…  But still!  It was only when I broached the subject with Hub that I found out…  V’s passport wasn’t with us.  It had been sent to Abuja to get his visa sorted and would take two weeks.  I felt, strangely, relieved.  My decision had been made for me.  I didn’t have any choice.  I couldn’t take him…  Is that terrible of me?

Why didn’t I just change my flight?  I *have* to be back so I can start organising the party – sending out invites, ordering the cake, etc.  

And then… Yesterday I found out that his passport was ready.  I was thrilled that I could take him if I wanted to, but, yet again, I was torn apart.  My decision had been undecided.  Late last night, after yet more worrying, I thought – f*** it.  I’m taking him.  I can’t bear to leave him.  My parents haven’t seen him since April, and may not see him again until December.  My brother last saw V when he was six weeks old and I want to do things with him.  I want to take him to the park.  I want him to crawl in the grass.  I want him to eat the bread when we go feed the ducks and I’d like to take him to the zoo.

But I’m scared and very, very nervous…

I’ve never flown alone with him.

His changing bag is usually very heavy.  Combine that with *him* and my own hand-luggage and I’m going to need a back-brace. 

I’m short.  5ft 1.  I can’t reach the overhead storage compartments!  How am I going to get the bag down??

What if I need the loo?  What if he does a poo?  What if he wants to crawl around everywhere?  What if the person next to me gets irritated?  What if he cries non-stop at landing (like the last 3 flights)?

How am I going to carry him, collect my luggage and put it all on the trolley?  And if I put him in his stroller, and I have a trolley – who will push the trolley?

Should I take the Baby Bjorn?  Then I can carry him on me and load everything (including stroller) on the trolley…?

I’m confused.  Maybe it would be easier to just leave him behind?

Nooo!  I couldn’t do that!  Look at his face, could you leave him?

But seriously… Any advice would be VERY welcome!